Emotions are powerful experiences that can be both joyful and challenging at the same time. One study found that children under 4 years old may have as many as 9 tantrums per week with episodes of crying, kicking, stomping, and hitting that can last up to 10 minutes. Maybe you have been there! Most children outgrow this behavior by kindergarten but what is underneath these outbursts is important to address as children grow and develop.
As a parent, it can be overwhelming to see your child out-of-control emotionally. Kids are concrete feelers, so they do what they feel. The following 3 steps can help you navigate your child’s emotional outbursts and provide you with the skills and language you need to come alongside your child:
- Validate your child’s feelings:
- If your child does not feel heard or understood they may react by using emotions to get your attention. Validation communicates to your child that they are important enough for you to listen and understand. Validating feelings can include sharing what you see in your child’s body language and facial expression. For example, “I see that you are really angry about not getting a toy at the store.” Or, “It’s upsetting when your ice cream falls out of the cone, isn’t it?”
This outward acknowledgment validates what is going on inside of your child. Oftentimes, preschoolers do not have the words or understanding to describe the big feelings they are experiencing. By providing your child with language to help describe their experience, you are empowering them to better understand themselves and to communicate better with others. Also, the validation of each feeling, whether it is anger or fear or elation, gives the child permission to express the spectrum of emotions they are experiencing. This step also demonstrates that the emotional part of your child is valuable even when you are seeking to encourage a different behavioral outcome.
- Breathing:
- Breathing is an important aspect to calming your child’s emotional outburst. Adults and children alike tend to ignore breathing when emotions escalate. Short, rapid breaths or even holding your breath increase feelings of anxiety and emotional dysregulation in the body. Model for your child slow and intentional breaths and invite your child to join you in slow breathing. Imagery can be a helpful way to help children understand how breathing is connected to our emotions.
One way to do this is to pretend to blow bubbles; slow deep breaths are necessary or else the bubble will pop. Or, pretend your child is blowing out candles on a birthday cake. Hold up one or more fingers to represent candles and have your child blow out each candle with a deep breath. Remind your child not to blow too hard or you will “spit on the cake!” A deep breath doesn’t have to be a hard breath. Practicing breathing with your preschooler is a great way to begin to address their escalating emotions.
- Grounding:
- The final step in calming an emotional outburst after validation and intentional breathing is a practice called grounding. Grounding helps us reconnect with the world around us, and you can introduce this practice to your preschooler as a game. Using their 5 senses to help them connect to the world around them, have your child name 5 things they see around them, 4 things they feel with their body, 3 things they hear, 2things they can smell, and 1 thing they can taste….or 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. This game could be “played” outside where your child can certainly experience their 5 senses. Helping your child connect with their senses can draw children out of the deep emotions they felt stuck in and engage them in the present moment.
Being understood is an essential part of feeling connected, and these steps will not only help calm your child and teach them self-regulation skills but also help them feel safe and loved. Children need these basic skills to learn to navigate tough emotions, but adults do too! Practicing these steps with your preschooler will reinforce these necessary skills that we all need to manage our emotions and stay connected to ourselves.
Navigating toddler tantrums is difficult and you may feel at your wit’s end with your toddler’s emotional outbursts. Psychologist Dr. John Cox says that “the only thing better than being a perfect parent is being a humble parent.” Your failures are a way to connect and reconnect with your child. 2 Corinthians 12:9 says that God’s “power is made perfect in weakness” and our own humility and humanity teaches our children what it looks like to live under God’s grace every day.
To learn more about these steps or if you would like help implementing these steps in your own family, contact Caroline McKee at for more information or to schedule a counseling session.